Technical knowledge, ability to express ideas, assume leadership, inspire enthusiasm in people as “commodities”.
8:50: “This BOOK”
criticism is futile, dangerous. incurs resentment.
humans thirst for approval, are scared of criticism
– hard hat guys. the dudes wouldn’t wear their hats. the foreman told them REGULATIONS SAY YOU MUST WEAR THE HATS. But this didn’t work well.
– then he tried to get them to change by first asking if the hats were uncomfortable, trying to sympathize with them – seeing why they weren’t wearing the hats. THEN he told them why they had to wear the hats — protection — more ppl wore the hats after that.
“Father Forgets” – W. Livingston Learned. A good piece of writing about a father who expected too much from his young son and constantly criticized him.
Principle 1. DOn’t criticize, condemn or complain.
Chapter 2. The big secret of dealing with people.
Freud’s 2 desires of men:
1. Desire to be great **
2. Sex urge.
Dewey: Desire to be important — Like Freud’s “desire to be great”
Humans have a CRAVING to be appreciated
– people who have this food will hold control
Humans have a “gnawing desire for attention”
– how people get their feeling of importance determines character…
– criminals from getting their picture in the paper as a great criminal at large
– good people from being recognized for good works
– I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset that I possess. And the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. There is nothing else that so kills the ambition of a person as criticism from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I’m anxious to praise, but loathe to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.
Average people do the exact opposite. complain if bad, if they do like something, they say nothing.
“Once I did bad
and that I heard ever
Twice I did good
but that I heard never”
– people do better work under spirit of approval. moreso then spirit of being derailed and derided.
#1 reason for runaway wives is lack of appreciation.
– flattery is counterfeit.
– flattery is telling other people what you think about yourself.
appreciation vs. flattery:
TRACK 6. Chapter 3.
He who can do this has the world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.
You don’t fish with strawberries (what you like), you use worms.
“bait the hook to suit the fish”.
– you are interested in what you want.
– others are interested in what they want
only way to influence people is to talk in terms of what others want, and show them how to get it.
“Influencing Human Behaviour”
“Arouse in the other person an eager want”
(right at the beginning)
“If there is any one secret of success it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.”
90% of ppl ignore it 90% of the time.
“people who can put themselves in the place of other people need never worry about what the future has in store for them.”
arousing an eager want for something in another person.
Track 8: Review:
Principle 1. DOn’t criticize, condemn or complain.
Principle 2. Give honest and sincere appreciation
Principle 3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.
Track 9: SIX WAYS TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU.
Dog as a natural friend. Behind his show of affection, there’s no alterior motive.
– dogs don’t have to work for a living — they make living by giving love
* You can make more friends in 2 months by becoming GENUINELY interested in other people than you can in 2 years by trying to get other people interested in YOU.
– Some people blunder through life trying to get others interested in themselves. This doesn’t work. People are not interested in you or me, people are interested in themselves.
– “I” is the most commonly used word in the English language.
– If we merely try to impress people and get people interested in us, then we will never have many true, sincere friends. Friends, real friends, are not made that way.
Alfred Adler: wrote a book:”What life should mean to you.”
“It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that ALL human failures spring..”
– If the author doesn’t like people, then people won’t like his writing
– you have to be interested in people to be a successful writer of stories.
– most of this track is about *Genuine interest in others*
One can win the attention and time and cooperation of even the most sought after people by becoming genuinely interested in them.
how he got some important people to guest lecture at his seminars:
“We admired their work and were deeply interested in getting their advice and learning the secrets of their success. We realize you’re too busy to prepare a lecture, so we enclosed a list of questions to answer about themselves and their methods of WORK.”
13:40 – people _like_ people who have admiration for them.
This dude _tactfully_ got everyone he knows’ birthdays and then sent birthday greetings to each of them.
Pabloious Sirus (100 BC):
– “We are interested in others WHEN they are interested in us”
PART 2 Principle 1: “Become genuinely interested in other people!!”
Talk of smiles.
Principle 2: Smile.
TRACK 11: If you don’t do this, you are heading for trouble.
Jim Farley: uncanny ability to remember people’s names.
– Remembering a name advantage
– forget/mispell, disadvantage.
This track was all about names and using names. The effectiveness of using names. Perhaps this was what made my students like me so much. I knew their names.
Principle 3: A person’s name is to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
TRACK 13: EASY WAY TO BECOME A GOOD CONVERSATIONALIST
– some people want an interested listener so she can expand her ego and tell about where she had been.
– interesting conversationalist — called this because listened intently.
– good listening is one of the highest compliments you can pay anyone.
– rapt attention
A good conversationalist as a good listener.
Successful business interviews: exclusive attention to the person speaking to you.
Listening as a form of activity.
Listening attentively shows you care about someone.
Sometimes people don’t want advice. They want an AUDIENCE.
Freud’s manner of listening was concentrated.. mild eyes, low voice, gestures few, but attention he gave, appreciation of what he said — no idea what its like to be listened to LIKE THAT.
– People despise people who NEVER LISTEN TO ANYBODY for long.
– To be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener.
To be interesting, be INTERESTED.
Ask questions the other person will enjoy answering.
Encourage others to talk about themselves and their accomplishments
People you talk to are 100 times more interested in themselves and their problems than you and your problems.
PRINCIPLE 4: Be a good listener and encourage others to talk about themselves.
CHAPTER 5: How to interest people.
– Researching people’s backgrounds and studying it.. opening conversation based on these things
Anyone who was a guest of Theodore Roosevelt astonished by his range of knowledge
Roosevelt knew what to SAY to people.
– whenever he knew he would have a visitor, he would read up on the subject in which he knew his guest was particularly interested.
– royal road to person’s heart is to talk about things that he/she treasures most.
PRINCIPLE 5: Talk in terms of other people’s interests
guy who succeeded at getting past secretary and to bigwig guy to get job..
Chapter 6: How to make people like you instantly.
– the guy complemented someone on his head of hair.
LAW: Always make the other person feel important.
John Dewey: “The desire to be important is the deepest urge in human nature”
“The deepest urge in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”
-This is the urge that differentiates us from animals;
this is the urge that is really responsible for civilization itself;
– “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you”
All the time, everywhere.
“I’m sorry to trouble you”
Courtesy’s like this “oil the cogs of everyday life”
Rosette considered himself important.
PRINCIPLE 6: Make the other person feel important, and do it sincerely.
TRACK 17: Summary of 6 principles of this chapter.
Part 3: How to win people to your way of thinking.
Chapter 1. You can’t win an argument.
– You can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry!
PRINCIPLE 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
Chapter 2. A sure way of making enemies and how to avoid it.
Telling people they are wrong strikes a direct blow at their intelligence, judgement, pride, self respect. makes them want to strike back.
– you won’t make them change their minds
– you won’t alter their opinions because this hurts them
– “I’m smarter than you are — I’m going to tell you a thing or two and make you change your mind”
– that’s a challenge, arouses opposition and makes listener want to battle.
– If you’re going to prove anything don’t let anybody know it. do it so subtly, so adroitly, that nobody will feel that you are doing it.
Alexander Pope: Men must be taught as if you’d taught them not, and things unknown, proposed as things forgot.
Galileo: You can’t teach a man anything. You can only help him find it within himself.
Lord Chesterfield: Be wiser than other people if you can, but do not tell them so.
Socrates: One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing.
Quit telling people that they are wrong.
“I may be wrong, I frequently am, let’s examine the facts”
“The mind in the making”
— my is a powerful-
– we like to continue to believe what we’ve always believed
– most arguments are made to go on believing as we already do.
Read about Benjamin Franklin’s autobiography.
Benjamin Franklin changes use of word “Certainly” to “I believe that…” etc.
making business proposition to bunch of bosses — couldn’t accept because you were telling someone that they are wrong. This makes you unwelcome part of discussion.
Martin Luther King:
“I judge people by their own principles, not my own”
PRINCIPLE 2: Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say “You’re wrong”.
TRACK 21: Chapter 3: If you’re wrong, admit it.
Dude takes a walk with his Boston bulldog without a leash or muzzle.
One day, encountered policeman in park that was itching to show his authority.
COP: “That’s against the law!”
MAN: “This little guy wouldn’t hurt anyone!”
COP: “He might! I’ll let you off, but never again.”
Later, policeman catches him again.
He beats the cop to it. “I’m sorry.”
e.g. case of a person who walked his dog in a park without a muzzle.
– week 1: caught. police officer rebukes.
– week 2: caught again, but condemns himself before police officer gets a chance to.
– result: police officer says man is being “too harsh” etc.
– police officer satisfies need to “feel important” by playing down the man’s mistake of walking dog w/o muzzle, where last week, he was considering it a great offense when the man tried to defend himself.
This tends to work with people with very high opinions of themselves and think themselves powerful.
“Isn’t it better to beat the other person to rebuking yourself?”
saying derogetory things about yourself that you know the other person is thinking/intending to say —
Likely, a generous forgiving attitude will be taken and you’ll look better.
4:00 art commissioner.
– very pick manager for art firm
– artist’s eagerness to criticise his own work
took all the fight out of the manager.
8:00 gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to blame one’s self
Picket’s charge was the beginning of the end. The south was doomed.
– Michael Chaun: Chinese culture causes some problems w/ this system:
– in Chinese tradition, an older person cannot take the first step. this is a loss of face.
– When wrong, let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm. it is a lot more “fun” than trying to defend oneself
– “by fighting, you never get enough, but by yielding, you get more than you expected.”
PRINCIPLE 3: IF you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
Track 23: Chapter 4: A drop of honey.
Woodrow Wilson: If you come at me with your fists doubled – mine will double too.
– This has Rockefeller’s attempt to create friends out of these people who hated him.
If a man is angry with you or hates you, you can’t win them to your side… unless you lead them to by being friendly to them.
Lincoln: “It is an old and true maxim that a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon gall. So with men. If you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend. Therein is a drop of honey that catches his heart, which, say what you will, is the great high road to his reason.”
friendliness begets friendliness. was kind to striking laborours.
the sun can make you take off your coat more readily than the wind can.
PRINCIPLE 4: Begin in a friendly way